If Nerds Ran The World
Just before I left Tel Aviv, at the Dizengoff mall, I saw one thing which gave me hope: a dozen young men, many of whom were dressed in soldier's uniforms sitting at some tables, playing what appeared to be Magic: The Gathering
Now, I know absolutely nothing about the game. I had a roommate in college who apparently was a big fan. He had two long boxes of cards, but I never once saw him play. He kept claiming he had special, "rare" Magic cards that were worth big money, to which I said,"Yeah? So why don't you sell them?" But he never did. See, that's the core of nerd-dom, to value that which outside of a select group is pretty much worthless.
But why does this give me hope? Because as we well know, nerds aren't fighters. They may play the games of warriors, but when it comes down to it, a nerd would rather reason through your differences, than kill you over them. Nerds do fight, but they fight over details.
And so, it came to me to consider what that alternative reality would be like if "nerds" were the mainstream, and the "non-nerds" on the periphery.
Thus, I give you...
Top Ten Ways Life Would Be Different if Nerds Ran The World...
Blue Collar TV sucks (weiners)
Just watched Blue Collar TV. I somehow managed to make it through the entire half hour. Yes, it's exactly what you think MadTV would be like if all the skits were about, starring and written by beer guzzlin', deer huntin', NASCAR watchin', gravy lovin' countrified white folk.
That is to say, it might appeal to a certain segment of Americans who think "wiener" is a hilarious word, especially if followed by a stream of yellow water from the diaper of a bearded overweight guy pretending to be a baby.
Having grown up in the heartland of America, I know this: Hee Haw lasted for years on CBS, and science has still not explained why, except that some people will watch anything and laugh when the TV audience does.
Before you say, "Well, that can't be that many!..." The WB has put out a press release, which in big bold letters says:
"BLUE COLLAR TV" IS A HIT OUT OF THE BOX
PREMIERE EPISODE SCORES THE WB'S BEST ADULT 18-34 RATINGS SINCE THE 2001 PREMIERE OF "CHARMED" & BEST COMEDY RATINGS EVER IN THE TIME PERIOD
5.4 MILLION PEOPLE TUNED IN TO SEE "BLUE COLLAR TV," MAKING IT THE SECOND-MOST-WATCHED SHOW IN THE TIME PERIOD"
So for those who avoided it, here's the Cliff Notes edition of Blue Collar TV:
Jeff Foxworthy Opening Monologue (Where he says stuff that may or may not be funny, but people pretend that they're really excited about it.)
"Welcome to Blue Collar TV, and lemme tell you right up front: We are not here to change the world. We are here to make it more bearable, ok?"
Audience says "Yeah!" and cheers for a "bearable world."
"Now this is our very first show... And we decided that each week we would have a theme... ya'know, kind of a thread through the show..." (Explanation likely required for those who didn't understand the concept of a "theme.")...and this week our topic is 'family.'"
"Alright, How many people here tonight have a family?" Woo and cheering! Hands go up! Yes, this audience has families!
Alright, how many people think their family is crazy?" Yeah, yeah! The audience seems to love the idea of "crazy families" -- or are being electrically stimulated by the flashing "Applause" sign.
Then some supposed jokes about Foxworthy's own crazy family.
Cut to: Opps, shots of confused people 'looking at the applause sign" for Pavlovian response, but not really laughing.
Then some generic joke about how lazy his family from Georgia is with the punchline: "We can't even cut the grass!"
And now, for the Creationist demographic:
"See that's why I don't believe in evolution... 'cause if my family had started out as monkeys... they would still be monkeys! With really high grass!"
Ah, yes, it's funny, because it's true!
Onto the Sketches:
- House of Gravy. A restaurant that serves everything with gravy. Nuff said.
- Stuff put into dead guy's coffin. See, they're putting things in his coffin, and it's crazy, because Jeff Foxworthy put a mounted deer head in. And that clearly won't fit.
- Adults acting like children in the back of a car on a trip. (See: Lily Tomlin for how to do this right.)
- Fat humor: Dieting Addiction (Obligatory diet guru Richard Simmons joke, 'cause he's very, um, you know, flamboyant.)
- "I believe..." Something that was supposed to look like improv, but wasn't.
Example: "I believe that guns don't kill people... husbands that come home early, do!" "Yeah!" says knowing members of the all-white audience!
Ok, I wasted some perfectly good brain cells composing this. I'm going to have a lie-down.
The Hitchhiker’s Guide to Goldilocks
Flipping through my ancient writing, I come upon one of particular amusement-- my take on the classic "Goldilocks and the Three Bears" re-imagined as if it were written by the late Douglas Adams.
Enjoy.
Online Comics and Doonesbury
Since I no longer have the chance to check out the Sunday funnies in print, I downloaded a couple of excellent online comic readers for the Mac OS X: ComicTastic and iComic. Both are slightly different ways to do the same thing: read those great comic strips like Dilbert, Calvin & Hobbes and Doonesbury, without having to even glance at ones you never-ever would think of reading, like Apartment 3-G, Rex Morgan, M.D., and Mary Worth. How is it that these are even still around— who reads soap opera comic strips anyway? Mary Worth started in 1938, for pete's sake— and the writer is 80 years old! Is there a secret untapped contingent of comic reading retirees and grandmothers?
I used to be a fan of Gary Trudeau's Doonesbury. It had a sort of smart pop-culture political sensibility that worked well in the 80s. I particularly remember the "reimagining" of Ronald Reagan as a Max Headroom talking-TV.
But lately, I've noticed that the strip doesn't have much oomph to it, particularly for the last couple of months with the go-nowhere Ahnold "Gropenfuhrer" storyline, repeats of years old anti-SUV strips and this weeks "reader mail." (Yesterday's asked, "What do you do when you get sick of messages and agendas and just want to kick back and coast?" )
Has Doonesbury lost its edge? Is Trudeau tired and out of steam?
Heck, Calvin & Hobbes's Bill Watterson knew how to go out at the top a decade ago; UT alum Berkeley Breathed knew to get out of the game when he ran out of ideas for Bloom County-morphed-Outland* And Farside's Gary Larsen just called in sick one day and never wrote another panel.
Should Trudeau follow suit and give up the Doonesbury ghost? Move on, and let the young politi-toonists get some creds?
* Just read that Breathed is back with a Sunday only strip called Opus: an interview in Salon has this amusing bit about the half-page space he demanded (and his love for Jim Davis of Garfield):
It's upsetting editors, but has it caused any major setbacks? Are enough papers picking up the strip?
We'll be in all the major markets. But the size issue will initially keep us out of the majority of the nation's newspapers unless the readers make a fuss. Boy, I'd hate to see that happen. I'd hate to see readers force editors to eliminate the comic strips marketed by corporations, widows and distant relatives long after their deceased creators pass on. What would happen to all the hacks hired by Jim Davis to write and draw "Garfield" if we were to put it out of business? Remember what they did to Mel Gibson at the end of "Braveheart"? There's an idea.
That said, would it be your wish to cause ripples?
As an end, controversy is a dead end. It's why TV shows tried to throw in nudity some years ago. I notice now that the ripples de jour are lesbian kisses. It's a sign of desperation, not good writing. Not to say that if I could figure out a way to throw in some hot lesbian action into "Opus," I wouldn't.